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Selfish or not? Doing something for my own good rather than for others.
Yes, I decided to switch majors one month before university started. Can you imagine making such a major decision this last minute in a country where your decisions are tied to your long term success and one single move can ruin your chances in winning the rat race? Yes, I did that. I dropped my passion for a more conventional major, in exchange for my own resilience and wellbeing.
DELULU IS THE SOLULU?
Helping others has always been something fulfilling for me. What can I say? Being in the Red Cross since 13 years old till 21 years old, volunteering at the Institute of Mental Health for 2 years, being the chairperson of a Social Entrepreneurship Club in JC, all this seemed as if my life trajectory was meant to be in the social service helping those in need. I did not like the hustle culture in Singapore because of the stress of having to earn money as much as possible, crunch internships, and climb the corporate ladder. Furthermore, my friends and teachers have said that I was rather empathetic, patient, and diligent, all perfect qualities for a role in social work. Everything was fitting into the right place, as if I was destined on my path.
“Social work is such a ‘niche’ job. Are you sure you want to do it?” asked everyone that I have met in my life. I don’t blame them really, the job is unattractive and unknown to most: Low pay, irregular working hours, unpredictable clients, extremely high caseload, underappreciated, and high turnover rate. The job is undeniably tough. However, I was steadfast in my resolve.
Low pay? I do not spend much on leisure and entertainment.
Irregular working hours? I know how to manage my time well, I can still find time to rest
Unpredictable clients? I think I am highly self-aware and won’t get affected by any emotional clients.
A high caseload? Well, I have been diligent and dedicated to my work my whole life; Surely, I can handle it!
I wasn’t gonna let other people’s opinions affect my decision. It is a fulfilling job where I can help those who are looking for it. I truly believed that with a little push, the disadvantaged can bring themselves out of their situation. The struggle will be worth the lives that I can change.
And so I believed whatever I said…… at least until God told me it was time to face my damning reality.
REALITY? WHAT IS THAT?
That reality is something beautiful called, aNxIeTy! Let me give a quick backstory. National Service opened my Pandora’s Box of insecurities in my brain and thus I was kicked into the depths of hell for 2 years. My psychiatrist said that I was “pre-disposed to have more anxious responses compared to others.” Take that as you will, but that pretty much means I get anxious really easily. In therapy, I learnt this one thing: Do not ever ignore your worries, for there is an underlying reason for them appearing. These worries will come back to haunt you like the constant spanking done by your mother until you confront them.
Not saying that one should believe in all their negative thoughts though. It is more of not sweeping them under the rug and spending time to reflect objectively on whether they are truthful or not. If they are, continue asking why and trust your judgement on them Now, you may be wondering why I am giving mini-therapy to you, but this is useful for the plot here. (please take my advice with a lot of salt as this was something which worked for ME) (but therapy was a LIFE SAVER for me cuz it changed my world view so much, 10/10)
Remember when I listed all the worries when it came to Social Work? Yeah, I had a good re-visit of all that. A month before my very first semester, I decided to watch a documentary series from Channel NewsAsia (CNA) titled, “Inside the Child Protective Service” and a video titled “Inside Singapore’s Social Service Office”. I was going into my first semester, so of course I needed to be familiar with what to expect. The wiser decision would have been to watch these earlier before clicking on Social Work in my Preferred Major section of my NUS application HAHA, but I suppose that was a consequence of my blissful ignorance. I imagined myself in the position of the Family Service Officers and the Child Protective Officers who faced those exact conditions which I listed previously. All I felt were shivers, sweaty palms, and trembling legs. I was literally the embodiment of “Screaming, crying, throwing up”. From the hundreds of cases per worker, to settling familial disputes to children yelling vulgarities or constantly stressed or arguing, I really I thought I would manage anyway by trying to rationalize their behaviour and visualizing how I would handle the problems, but to no avail. I still felt incredibly scared as I realized I could not handle all these stresses for literally my entire working adult life.
I can think all I want about how to handle the difficult situations these workers face, but I needed to admit my situation. This was all me trying to convince myself to stay, but I cannot deny the many times over the years between JC and university that I felt so nervous and doubted my future as a social worker. The gaslighting from myself had to stop, and my idealistic fantasy world of social service had to be destroyed. This world I imagined of helping others is filled with much more anxiety, frustration and stress than I wanted to believe. I cannot escape my reality any further. I cannot imagine myself dedicating my whole life to helping others 24/7, five days, or even seven days a week. As much as my heart says it will be the most fulfilling job to do, my body and mind are saying it will be the most draining and dreadful job for me.
Think back about how you may have been told that the Arts is hopeless, or that your passion is unrealistic. Think of those moments and think about consider this. If you are living In Singapore, those haters’ words bear legitimate weight and actually sound more reasonable than your heart and soul. Scary isn’t it?
INTO THE UNKNOWN
My painful realization was inevitable but for the better. I decided to jump ship out of my Social Work major to pursue a more manageable path for myself. My heart will always long to help others, but I need to care for myself first before doing so. I needed to take a safer path and acknowledge that I cannot handle the job nor have enough passion expected to sustain myself through such a selfless career (at least at the current moment).
The harsh truth is that reality can hit us hard and we might have no choice but to accept some situations for what they are. We cannot get anything and everything we want in the world, but there is still room and time to do what we love whenever we can.
Sometimes, stepping back is not giving up—it’s choosing to prioritize your own resilience so that when you do step forward again, you’re better prepared to make a lasting difference. So if you’re wrestling with a hard decision, remember: it’s okay to pivot. You only live once, so trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to rewrite your story for the life that truly fits you.
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