Fighting the Final Boss: The Roach

TW: disgusting vermin

After hours of labouring on my laptop, I slammed it shut and breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, the last essay was done.

To an observer, I may have looked like a typical student hunched over their laptop, typing away. What that observer did not see is that beneath the scene of relative tranquillity, I was typing for my life, my sweaty fingertips leaving damp on every key I slammed down on. My heart raced as if by going faster, it might finish my work for me. Alas, it only served to bring more droplets of sweat to my back.

I felt like I was in a video game, fighting mini-boss after mini-boss with each assignment I rushed. Thankfully, that was all over now. Or so I thought, for my final boss awaited me in a place unexpected.

a photograph of me hunched over my laptop, taken November 2024

I stood up from my desk and stretched, looking at the time as I did. 2 in the morning? My eyes almost popped out of their sockets. Time really did fly. I trudged out of my room into a house of darkness. It seemed everyone already turned in for the night, and rightfully so.

Blinking to adjust my eyes to the dark, I stumbled to the bathroom, feeling around for the light switch. My senses heightened, I seemed to hear a light rustle in the kitchen bin on my way to the toilet. Ah, it must be the wind. It’s been pretty… windy the past few nights. Strange.

Nonetheless, I thought nothing of it. Go to the toilet, and then quickly back to my room to sleep. I had to wake up early tomorrow.

Walking through the kitchen on my way back, I took a quick look at the bin again and saw a flash of black.

Dread filled me. It seemed sleep would not come for some time. I quickly armed myself with a can of insecticide and peered anxiously into the bin. As I did, what I glimpsed came fully into view. It was as I had known, deep in my heart, the first time I heard that rustle.

It was the truth I had repressed in my mind.

It was… a roach.

artist’s rendition of the r*ach 🤢

Horror and disgust dawned on me. Adrenaline spiked through my veins. Filled with fear, I hurriedly unleashed a lethal dose of insecticide on the creature from hell.

Lady Luck was not on my side today. Instead of dropping dead in the trash where it belonged, the infernal pest rushed out of the bag and across the sink! Heart thumping wildly in my chest, my aim followed the roach as I released a continuous stream of insecticide on it.

The speedy little vermin rushed towards the kitchen stove hoping in its desperate little heart to seek refuge in it. Indeed it did for some time. Now, I have to remind the reader that I was still submerged in complete darkness. The only source of light was from the bathroom, illuminating the way to my first kill of the day.

After surreptitiously yet swiftly moving to turn on all the lights in the kitchen, I moved the soup pot and kettle away from the stove, all the better to see my prey.

Imagine my shock for alas, it was gone! Vanished like the nonexistent wind in this suffocatingly humid kitchen! Beads of sweat rolled down my face as I looked about despairingly.

Where, oh where, did that dratted beast go?

After desperately searching for it the same way I search for meaning in this accursed life of mine, I had to give up. Yet another roach had eluded me. I sighed in hopelessness. It seemed my kill would not be made. What, then, is my purpose on this earth if not to kill worthless vermin?

As I shook my head in despair, a shred of hope rose in me. In that kitchen, Dumbledore’s words echoed in my mind. I was reminded that if I found myself in a dark place, the light, if nothing else, would illuminate my path.

I glanced up and gazed at myself in the mirror, hope filling my widening eyes. I turned my head swiftly around, my gaze following the stream of light that shone out of the bathroom and onto the stove.

There, I found hope, for under one of the stove knobs, I saw moving feelers. Feelers… that suspiciously resembled those of a roach!

I grabbed the can of insecticide, confidence filling my every step as I strode towards the stove. I once again unleashed the deadly spray upon the pest. This time, my aim rang true. Its feelers moved desperately around before they stopped.

I tried unsuccessfully to drag it out from beneath the knob with a heap of tissues, throwing up in my mouth a couple of times. Finally, I steeled myself. I swallowed my vomit, gathered my courage and even more tissues, and eventually managed to get it out. As I threw it away, relief flooded into me.

It seemed I had fought the final boss of the day and won. Now, I could finally go to sleep.