A guide to Outerwear (TRUE)

You say jacket, I say sweater. You say sweater, I say hoodie. Then we get angry and never speak to each other again. So what is all the kerfuffle about? This article will present different styles of outerwear, mainly the ones you see on this silly campus, and furthermore provide a philosophical debate on which outerwear fits what category.

According to Wikipedia, our clutch-saviour that knows all, there are 39 styles of outerwear. Wonderful and informative, but my passion in this discussion is mild. To narrow down this hunt for universal categorisation, I’ll present the five most common outerwears I’ve noticed on campus.

The Jacket

Very normal, very safe. A solid 8/10 for the casual university student. Serving the dual function of a pillow, a jacket is a staple of any wardrobe. There are many styles of jackets, from denim, to bomber, to puffer. But what I’d argue as the identifying trait of a jacket would be the open front that can be fastened to one’s taste, as demonstrated by Miss Kendall Slayin’ Jenner.

You can bear it open for the world to see your sexy shirt, or have it zipped all the way up for that prudent, i’m-about-to-freeze-and-die-look. Alternatively, you could have it halfway up, just to be a little quirky, or around your waist like you’re throwing it down on a runway. A jacket is a true staple that cannot be missed.

The Sweater

A Jacket, but without the festive flair of a zipper. A 7/10 for the same casual university student. Serving the dual function of a pillow, a sweater is also, sorta a staple of any wardrobe.

It’s a jacket, but different. Identifying feature: the absence of a zipper, as shown above.

The Hoodie

Imposter of the sweater. Occasionally has a pouch at the front to store your hands or snacks. Contrary to popular belief, the defining feature of this particular outerwear is in fact, not the hood, but the defunct kangaroo pouch at the forefront of each specimen. What makes it different from a sweater is what brings you one step closer to being a kangaroo. Additional bonus: Can shield from rain in desperate times.

In my humble (very humble) opinion, these are the three founding fathers of all outerwear. It is based on zero science, only vibes. But this is my list, thus my gospel. You must be wondering: what about my thrifted cardigans, or my flannels?

Take a close look:

BOOM! It’s a jacket

“What else is a jacket? Or a sweater?”

I’m glad you’re curious!

Jacket Jang

Source: Chowder AKA my childhood brain rot

Notice the buttons and zippers? BAM they’re jackets. The left specimen is particularly fascinating due to the conventional arm mobility being reinvented for lower-limb mobility for warm and easy travelling.

Source: I-Want-To-One-Up-Everyone-At-The-Camp-Site

Sweater Sorority

Source: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure; Part 5

Source: Farmer Vogue Fashion Week Fall Edition

The absence of zippers (and pouches) naturally places these pieces under the sweater category. What else could they possibly be?

Hoodie Hut

Source: I ripped it off a casual on his way to work at CBD yesterday

This one’s a little trickier.

Left: A living hoodie, famous for it’s four-dimensional pouch that probably holds the secrets of the elder gods.

Right: Just a jolly-old dress shirt? WRONG. the breast pocket automatically qualifies it with hoodie certification.

Source: Small Ding Dang

Confused?

Here’s an overly-complicated venn diagram to illustrate this discovery:

Source: my iPad

You may have noticed the mention of a “sweatshirt”. It was begrudgingly considered as a deliberate afterthought as its formal entry into the discussion would severely complicate and cripple my strawman argument. Hence, it will stay in the forbidden corner. Permanently.

My job here is done. Goodbye.